Wow. Where the fuck do I start?! I don't even know what else to say other than, "Wow."

I've missed you, journal. I've missed the people I've gotten to know on here (particularly, Marta). I feel like such a jackass for being so out of touch. I honestly don't know what I was thinking?! DUMB.

I GUESS what I was thinking was that I was getting control of my life. That I was getting back on track. That I was finally picking myself up and getting out of this hell hole. Um... WRONG.

I can't do it. I don't know what the fuck took me so long. I tried to stay away from everything all summer. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought it was what I needed. Fuck that. I'VE NEVER FELT SO LOST OR OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. I'm losing everything and everyone around me that's ever been close or there for me, and I don't know how the hell to handle it. I'm an idiot. I should've never left.

The best thing I can do is keep going. Or ATTEMPT to keep going. And just do whatever I can to make up for lost time <3

Summer was amazing. Not in terms of my eating habits, but because of my experiences. I worked for a TV station and fell in love with it. The people, the opportunities, EVERYTHING was amazing. I learned so much! It makes me that much more excited to go out into the real world and experience what it has to offer. 

Boyfriend and friends... things are actually a lot better with both (for the most part). Boyfriend (or ex- depending on how you look at it) is doing so well. He and I are probably better than ever. Not exactly "back together"- sick of the labels- but we're happy. Happy to be in each other's company. Happy to be together. Happy to be happy. Don't know what the future holds but know that I am happy with him. Know that he loves me for me. It feels so nice.

School has started. Yeeeeeah. Who know how the fuck that's going to go?! We'll just have to see... busier than ever this semester, as I'm more involved in extracurriculars than I was before. Hm. Will try to update about those things.

The fam is doing well. Sister just started college (at the same university I'm at!). Happy for her but SO worried about her. She's doing well, but I can tell she's having trouble adjusting, making me soooo anxious. All I want is for her to be happy and feel like she belongs.
Other than that, everyone else is good. Miss them like crazy when I'm not with them.

Now that this post is insanely long, I think I'll go. Time to get back on track. Time to get in fucking control. Time to get some fucking sleep.

Height: 5'1"
CW: 115 lbs.
HW: 122 lbs.
LW: 100 lbs.
GW: 95 lbs.


Love, love, love. Always.

Everything is so...weird... right now. Sometimes I can't even put into words how I feel about the way my life is going. There are times when everything seems to be going so wonderfully, and I'm happy and feel like I am, at last, on the right track. And then there are those days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom... like everything is spiraling out of control, and I'm watching everything slip away and can't do anything to stop it. It's the strangest feeling. I literally feel numb.

Who the hell knows how I'm doing with my fucking diet right now. Scale isn't working. Don't even know when I'll be able to buy a new one. Was doing well with restricting; not so much with exercising (due to the fact that stupid ass school was taking up ALL of my time... literally), but I felt okay because I could tell that I was losing. I could feel it, and I was happy.

Now... I don't even know what's going on. I binged yesterday. Fuck me. Today, all I've had has been 2 cups of coffee and a turkey and artichoke sandwich.

My best friend is supposed to be coming into town tomorrow and staying for the weekend. God, no idea what to think about this. SO excited to see him, but very nervous at the same time. I don't want to see anyone this weekend. I want to just sleep forever.

With the [ex]boyfriend, things just... are. Not good, not bad. I feel like things are getting better, and we're making progress, but I still just DON'T KNOW what the future holds. That's what I hate the most.

Friends are okay. Friends at school are pretty good, and I've really connected with a few people, which makes me feel very good. Friends back home... whatever. Some are true, some suck. I keep saying that I'm over it, but then why do I still feel so empty?

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life. It's like, I put on this front, and everyone thinks of me ONE way because of what I choose to show people (that happy, carefree side, who's always there for fucking everyone else)... and then there's the other side, that's sad and lonely and SO afraid of what she doesn't know.

Blah. Hopefully I'll have more to say next time. Hopefully I'll be happier then.

.........

I've had it. I am completely and utterly disgusted with myself. Not that I wasn't before, but I'm just REALLY feeling it now. More than ever, I find myself looking at other people, skinnier and prettier girls, desperately wishing I looked like them. I feel more in control and determined than ever. Although, somehow I feel like I've thought and said that before. What makes this time any different?

Because I will be skinny. And I will be pretty. And I will be happy.

School blows. Two tests this Thursday, along with 12894793278947 other assignments and homework. And meetings out the ass. Jeez, I need a break. Sometimes I think I push myself too hard. Then I am reminded of what perfection must look like, and I keep going.

My birthday is coming up- 24 days, to be exact. God, I want to be skinny by then. It seems ridiculously impossible, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Maybe the fact that it's almost my birthday is what is making me feel so driven and goal-oriented. Not that I'm complaining. Hell, whatever will do the job!

I have to get back to studying. Eff me. Can't wait to post again, with progress.

[fingers crossed]

xoxo.

Today went well, overall... until I had a piece of my friend's effing pizza. God, I didn't want to. But she was looking at me and was about to cause a scene so I took it to shut her up. I wanted to purge so badly afterwards but couldn't. I swear, if that messed up everything, I don't know what I'll do. And today was going so well...

:(

My roommate has lost a bunch of weight. My other roommate thinks it's "too much," but I would definitely have to disagree. I think she's just really insecure and jealous- the one who's lost weight looks AMAZING! I wish I could fucking look like her. I have until my birthday, Feb. 26th- that marks goal one. At this point, I'm not even sure what goal one is. AT LEAST 10 lbs. would be ideal. If I don't keep fucking up, hopefully it'll be even more. After that, we'll see how it goes.

I will be skinny. I will be happy. I will be perfect.

Peace & love.

Holy hell. HOW DID I LET MYSELF GO THIS LONG WITHOUT WRITING A DAMN THING?! 
The fact that I haven't written reflects how my life has been lately... shitty and out of control.

Must make a bigger effort to keep this updated. It's what keeps me sane.

Don't even know where to start...

Not with the boyfriend anymore but am hoping to work things out and (eventually) get back together. I don't know though. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything. 

I feel more out of control than ever. God, I just want to get my shit together. I keep fluctuating between 115 and 120. WHY CAN'T I GET BELOW 115?! Because you keep fucking up. It's what you do.

School has started and am now into week 3. Going okay, I guess. Definitely starting to pick up. Just found out that I have 2 tests on the same day next week. Shoot me now. 

Things with friends... same old, same old. Some are amazing and always there, others suck. 

The fam is good. I miss them terribly. Mom's birthday was this past weekend, and I couldn't be home because I had too much going on at school. Blahhh.

I don't know what to think about what I've eaten today...
1 bowl of Special K (with Soymilk)
1 sandwich
A salad

Am planning to go work out soon if I can get my fat ass out of this damn chair. I will get back on track. I will have more control. I will obtain perfection.

Journal, how I've missed you. I promise not to leave again.

<3

Wowwww, it's been awhile. Definitely wasn't my intention to be away for this long, but things have been crazy... and shitty.

Went out of town for Thanksgiving and had an AMAZING time on the trip, but got into a few arguments with my dad and sister. Felt crappy about the arguments and, of course, definitely felt like they were my fault. I hate when I upset and disappoint my family. It's got to be the worst feeling EVER. I apologized, though, and everything is better now. Still... thinking about it upsets me.

Worse than anything is the fact that my boyfriend and I broke up. The love of my life. The person I've always thought I'd be with... for the rest of my life! We've been dating for almost 5 years!!! We've just been headed in this downward spiral for awhile now, and I think we both knew it would come to this at some point. We decided it would just be best for now to take some time apart and figure things out. We both have a lot of things to work on and improve within ourselves. And, oh yeah... I have this little problem called ANA that consumes my effing life and ultimately affects him, even if he doesn't even know it. Ugh.
We still feel just as strongly about each other. And, God, I pray that we'll be able to work through what we need to work through and be together again someday and be happier than ever. Things just get to a point where sometimes you need your space. I miss him though. SO much. All I can do at this point is have faith. Have faith that everything will be okay.

Don't even wanna talk about what I've eaten/not eaten since I last posted. I don't even know. Definitely know I've screwed up more than I should have, though...

But it's okay! Getting back on track! Doing 200 of 2468 tomorrow. We'll see how it goes!

Love.

I hate myself today. I went to the mall and ended up stuffing my effing face with a few bites of Chinese food, pizza and ice cream. Then I came home and had a little bit more ice cream. Like, REALLY?! I don't even know why/how it happened. It's sort of a blur. It's literally like I got there told myself, "You can't eat, you can't eat, you can't eat," and then just lost all control. 

Yesterday I somehow got talked into going out to eat. I tried so hard not to, or to go and eat a salad, I really did. I lost that battle with myself. I ordered a cajun dish, catfish acadiana, and then split this ice cream cookie sundae thing with my friend. Thank God I wasn't able to finish my meal or the dessert. I was BEYOND disgusted with myself. To my complete surprise, though, when I weighed myself this morning, I had gone down to 115.8 (from 116.4)!!! I was shocked. Not complaining though.

Now that this is my 2nd day to binge (and I fear that it's not over), that number will probably go up.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!

Wasn't able to write in here yesterday, and surprisingly enough, it made me feel a bit empty. Didn't think I'd count on writing in my journal so much. Guess it's because it's one of the only places where I can just pour my heart out and say whatever I want, and no one has to know.

Yesterday I was down to 116.2. Today, 116.4. The numbers aren't decreasing near as fast as I'd like for them to...

In terms of what I've eaten, yesterday I had 1 cup of coffee in the morning, 1 guilt-free hazelnut latte and a turkey cranberry sandwich from CC's. God knows I didn't want that sandwich. I don't even know how many calories it had?! Yesterday was day 8, though, of 2468, so I guess that makes me feel slightly better... even though the latte and sandwich combined probably totaled over 800 cals, and that would be the reason I'm up 0.2 lbs. today. Whatever whatever whatever.
Haven't eaten anything so far today! Just drank 1 cup of coffee this morning (as always)- whoop whoop. Hopefully I can keep this up the rest of the day. Only get 200 cals today. BETTER STAY IN CONTROL.

Peace and love <3

YAY! Down to about 116.4... woo hoo, making progress! :)

Today was just... idk, blah.
Quiz.
Class.
Class.
Paper.

Finally finished with the paper and just want to relax now.

In terms of what I've eaten today...
1 cup of coffee
1/2 cup of egg beaters with 2 slices of low-cal bread
3/4 cup of Special K with 1 cup of skim milk
1 cup of tea
=about 600 cals

Doing okay... Guess I just have to keep seeing how it goes.

<3

So... I'm down 0.4 lbs. from yesterday, making me 117.6. Blahh... definitely thought it'd be more, considering all I had to eat/drink yesterday was 1 cup of coffee in the morning, egg beaters and 1 piece of toast for dinner with 1 cup of tea. Very little calories. But whatever... I guess it's progress.

I'm thinking of starting the 2468 diet. Haven't done it before but have definitely heard good things about it. We'll see how it goes.
[fingers crossed]

Until next time...
<3